Compare to others only in a positive context:    

YES:  ”Of all the kids I know, not one would have thought of such a creative way to…”

I know there are lots of things I’m not good at – it’s nice to focus on things I can do better than most other kids.    (But avoid false praise!)

 Look for progress, not perfection – praise effort, not just excellence: 

NO:  “You only got a 76 on the math test?”

YES: “Congratulations – last test you had a lot of trouble and only got a 67 – I know you studied,

and it shows – Don’t you feel better?”

Acknowledge my efforts, even if they still fall short of your expectations (and mine).

Criticize the problem and not the person: 

NO:  “You don’t care about anyone else!” 

YES: “I feel you don’t care about my needs when you blast the stereo while I’m trying to work.”

If it’s me, I’m no good – if it’s something I have control over, I can improve.

Catch your child doing something right: 

YES: “I was so pleased you remembered to put your dishes in the sink without being reminded.”

I’m often criticized for doing the wrong thing – it feels terrific when people see that I do good stuff too!

Create a partnership and encourage independence: 

NO:  “Get that homework finished or forget about inviting your friend for a sleepover on Friday.” 

YES: “I know you’d like the sleepover on Friday, and it sounds great.  Let’s not have the homework interfere.  If you have questions, ask me, but it’s important that you spend 30 minutes on your homework now so you can have fun at your sleepover on Friday.”

I want to do things on my own, but it’s difficult.  I need and thrive on your support.  When you yell at me I freeze up or act up.  When you understand, but still expect the best from me, I’m able to work harder.

Reassure your child:  “Good people often make bad choices.” 

This makes me feel that I can improve and make better choices next time.  It doesn’t let me off

the hook for having done the wrong thing, but it helps me to remember that I’m not bad.

Frequently remind your child how much you love and appreciate him or her: 

Take a few minutes each bedtime to tell your child 3 real and specific reasons you love them,

or things they did that day that you appreciated.

"Copyright © 2006 by The ADD Resource Center.  All rights reserved.
Visit  http://haroldmeyer.org/ for additional resources. Contact addrc@mail.com for additional information."