ADDConsults.com

[ape]

i know aloy of the people are on here talking of their own adah. i on the other hand am the partner of my husband with adah. He was diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago and when i found out it answered so many questions. things were great for about a month . after 6 years of abuse verbally and physically. he has stoped the physical when he is mad but the verbal is not as insulting as hurtful. deep cuts and he now has this great self esteem yes but he acts like he is a perfect god. he is in couseling but he wont let me go and now wants praise for every task he does but will only do what he wants to do nothing that i need a mans help with . it seems like he obssess with the detail now and with only the tasks he feels need done . he will not work together. he screems for attention from my family and when they come to visit he walkes them around to show what he has done. what is up with this ? i feel guity because it is true he is doing things finally but frustrated because i feel i don't have a parner i feel it is now some kind of power struggel between us help any advise ?

[mark5]

Welcome to the forum. It's very generous of you to try and understand more about ADHD, especially given the difficult--and somewhat dangerous--situation you describe. Abuse is never okay, however, regardless of whatever may lead to it, and I hope that you seek some assistance for yourself. If this situation is still physically dangerous, it's more important to think about your own safety. It's also worth seeking some counseling for yourself to deal with the effects of the abuse.

Here's what insight I can offer, however, as an adult male with ADHD.

ADHD often has an effect on self-esteem, as people dealing with ADHD may have difficulty finishing tasks, leading to disappointment. Although ADHD is now being diagnosed in adults, this is a fairly recent development. For a long time it was thought only to be an issue limited to kids, without realizing that it might continue on into adulthood. The significance of this is that most adults who have been diagnosed with ADHD have probably been dealing with it for a long time, without knowing what was going on. It also means that adults with ADHD have been dealing with disappointment--the disappointment of others in them and their own disappointment of themselves--for a long time. This kind of a situation can lead to much frustration and depression.

Even after diagnosis, adults with ADHD may express some anger in addition to relief. Typical diagnosis of ADHD involves examining family and school history, so difficult situations are revisited in the process. After diagnosis, someone with ADHD may feel newly frustrated by all the past difficulties, or may feel angry that parents or teachers did not know about this issue to be able to help them.

Anytime someone in a relationship goes through a significant change, this can stress a relationship by unbalancing established patterns.

Your husband is probably trying to reclaim some confidence in himself. Perhaps this is the first time he has realized how to value himself, and this is an important lesson, but it sounds like he may be focusing on this and forgetting other important tasks--and people--in the process. It will take some time for him to find the right balance for himself, and it will take some time for both of you to rebalance the relationship.

I understand your frustration that he is focused on himself and his own tasks, and not helping you with things that are important to you. It's important that people work together in a relationship, not against each other.

Given the importance of self-esteem in ADHD, a good approach may be to provide some incentives for your husband to complete tasks important to you, assistance with helping him focus on those tasks, and some positive reinforcement for completing those tasks. It may also help to phrase the tasks more as priority requests than, say, as unfinished chore reminders. This invites cooperation rather than stressing the failure.

While there are things that you can do to encourage him to help, he still need to make an effort to help, himself.

Organization can play a role in someone with ADHD being better able to act on things. Try to help him organize his time, his tools or his approach to things. People with ADHD have some difficulty with time and limits because they either get constantly distracted or intensely focused on things. If you can find some ways to help him schedule his tasks, or help him be aware of the time, this can help. A watch with alarms--ones for the hour and/or multiple alarms that can be set for various tasks--might help. Even something as simple as a kitchen timer might help to remind him that it's time to move on to another task. If possible, it might help to work with him on some things to see what issues come up for him, in order to see where you can try to help.

Overall, I think it's important to let him know that you're happy that he has found some answers and that you want to help him succeed, but that you need his help in letting you know what he needs to move forward.

[ape]

well sorry for the kids but for me a releif . we are splitting up. the meds he is on keeps him up and now he drinks every night to sleep (he says ) he is drinking well over 2 six packs a night and i find full and empty bottles everywhere . from one problem to the next . the other thing i wanted to mention is the compalsion that seems to be a side effect from the meds he will do a task as mentioned before but cant prioritze any thing . garbage could be pilling up but the garden is a smooth as a baseball feild when he weeds for hours at a time. i hope that others will not experience the hard times i have had with this guy but hope that some day he will find peace . i will tell you this that it seems with adad there are other factors that can make a person with adhd have a difficult life such as parents that couldnt handel him or get the help he needed he has now grown to be a very mean man with anger and a very low self esteem and seems to want to bring every one else down as low as him . if you do have adhd please consider how much counseling is for everyone to help . it can tear a family apart

[James Thornton]

I am sorry to hear this. Can you get to an ADD support group for wives/husbands who are like this.? I know that your husband is feeling really sacred about thigs, but that doesnot help you very much.